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Slaglistens Slagferdigheter(?) Månedens gode historie(r) Story of the month
Humørsiden
WHERE IS GOD?A couple had two little
boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always
getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief
occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The
parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The
mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining
children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send
the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well.
We need to do something before I really lose my temper! The clergyman agreed to
speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
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Marriage is one of the
chief causes of divorce. |
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Work is a fine thing
if it doesn't take too much of your spare time. |
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Ask not for whom the
bell tolls, let the machine answer it. |
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Those who forget the
pasta are condemned to reheat it. |
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If you can't dazzle
them with dexterity, feed them a crock! |
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Some drink at the
fountain of knowledge...others just gargle. |
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Some women get excited
about nothing and then marry it. |
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High explosives are
applicable where truth and logic fail. |
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You're never too old
to learn something stupid. |
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime during sleep at night.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
A Rhinocerosí horn is made of compacted hair.
If "Barbie" was life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of an average human's neck.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
The shortest war in
history was between Zanzibar an England in 1896.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. (Zenzible!, Trond)
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1!) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honour of his brother.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand (in "touch" typing?,Trond.)
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination and "bump.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people.
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the english language.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter with which they start.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to recall the word you want (what's that word again? Trond.)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years. (they call it Yasmin)
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world?
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and refers to a distinct part of DNA.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
The Pentagon, in
Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
Michael Jordan makes
more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
One of the reasons
marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers
in the 30's lobbied against hemp (hamp/hasj) farmers - they saw it as
competition.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
If you yelled for 8
years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour (so that's why I'm constantly hungry? Trond.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a
stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider.
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (maybe they should consider joining the AA ("Ants Anonymous"), Trond?)
Polar bears are left-handed.
The catfish has the most taste buds in the Animal Kingdom (over 27000)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (now THAT is a stud!!)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (WOW!!!!)
It is a mistake to
look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at
a time.
Sir Winston Churchill
What do I know of
manís destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
Samuel Beckett
Remember that you are
an actor in a drama, of such a part as it may
please the master to assign you, for a long time or for a little as he
may choose. And if he will you to take the part of a poor man, or a
cripple, or a ruler, or a private citizen, then may you act that part
with grace! For to act well the part that is allotted to us, that indeed
is ours to do, but to choose it is anotherís.
Epictetus
Destiny grants us our
wishes, but in its own way, in order to give us something beyond our wishes.
Goethe
There is no such thing
as an omen. Destiny does not send us heralds. She is too wise or too cruel
for that.
Oscar Wilde
I like work; it
fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. I love to keep it by me;
the idea of getting rid of it nearly breaks my heart.-
Jerome K. Jerome
"I believe in the
Sun,
Even when it's not shinning.
I believe in Love,
Even when I feel it not.
I believe in God,
Even when he is silent."
Unknown(found on a wall in a WWII camp)
Nothing has turned out
as we expected! It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we
expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is.
Gone With the Wind
Be more concerned with
your character than with reputation, because your
character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what
others think you are.
John Wooden
Friendship improves
happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joys, and dividing our grief.
Joseph Addison
True Friendship comes
when silence between two people is comfortable.
Dave Tyson Gentry
It is one of the
blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The best and
most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must
be felt with the heart."
---Helen Keller---
"I give her
sadness and the gift of pain, a new moon madness and a love
of rain."
~Dorothy Parker: The Godmother
"To the
uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
~Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh
"Reach high, for
stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the
goal.
~Ralph Vaull Starr
More than one attempt
Are you looking for a way
to succeed or for an excuse to quit? Success requires more than one attempt.
Only rarely will anyone get it right the first time. There are thousands of
perfectly understandable reasons to give up. And those reasons compound with
every failed attempt. So you must make sure your reason to keep going is even
stronger. Excuses are easy to come by, and they can be quite compelling. But
they're useless. Excuses won't pay the rent or put food on the table. Excuses
might make you feel better for a moment or two, but they're shallow and bring no
lasting fulfillment.
Find a reason to succeed that will outweigh all those excuses. Implant it firmly
within you and keep going for as long as it takes.
Past the first attempt. Past the second attempt. Past the twenty-fifth attempt.
Do it again and again until you get it right. Every attempt has value, but only
if you keep going.
Ralph Marston
"Why is my burden so heavy?!" I slammed the bedroom door and leaned against it. Is there no rest from this life? I wondered. I stumbled to my bed and dropped onto it, pressing my pillow around my ears to shut out the noise of my existence.
"Oh, God," I cried, "let me sleep. Let me sleep forever and never wake up!" With a deep sob I tried to will myself into oblivion, then welcomed the blackness that came over me.
Light surrounded me as I regained consciousness. I focused on its source: The figure of a man standing before a cross.
"My child," the person asked, "why did you want to come to Me before I am ready to call you?"
"Lord, I'm sorry. It's just that. I can't go on. You see how hard it is for me. Look at this awful burden on my back. I simply can't carry it anymore."
"But haven't I told you to cast all of your burdens upon Me, because I care for you? My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."
"I knew You would say that. But why does mine have to be so heavy?"
"My child, everyone in the world has a burden. Perhaps you would like to try a different one?"
"I can do that?"
He pointed to several burdens lying at His feet. "You may try any of these."
All of them seemed to be of equal size. But each was labeled with a name. "There's Joan's," I said. Joan was married to a wealthy businessman. She lived in a sprawling estate and dressed her three daughters in the prettiest designer clothes. Sometimes she drove me to church in her Cadillac when my car was broken.
"Let me try that one." How difficult could her burden be? I thought.
The Lord removed my burden and placed Joan's on my shoulders. I sank to my knees beneath its weight.
"Take it off!" I said. "What makes it so heavy?"
"Look inside."
I untied the straps and opened the top. Inside was a figure of her mother-in-law, and when I lifted it out, it began to speak.
"Joan, you'll never be good enough for my son," it began. "He never
should have married you. You're a terrible mother to my
grandchildren."
I quickly placed the figure back in the pack and withdrew another. It was Donna, Joan's youngest daughter. Her head was bandaged from the surgery that had failed to resolve her epilepsy.
A third figure was Joan's brother. Addicted to drugs, he had been convicted of killing a police officer.
"I see why her burden is so heavy, Lord. But she's always smiling and
helping others. I didn't realize."
"Would you like to try another?" He asked quietly.
I tested several. Paula's felt heavy: she was raising four small boys without a father. Debra's did too: a childhood of sexual abuse and a marriage of emotional abuse. When I came to Ruth's burden, I didn't even try. I knew that inside I would find arthritis, old age, a demanding full-time job, and a beloved husband in a nursing home.
"They're all too heavy, Lord," I said. "Give me back my own."
As I lifted the familiar load once again, it seemed much lighter than the others.
"Let's look inside," He said.
I turned away, holding it close. "That's not a good idea," I said.
"Why?"
"There's a lot of junk in there."
"Let Me see."
The gentle thunder of His voice compelled me. I opened my burden. He pulled out a brick.
"Tell me about this one."
"Lord, You know. It's money. I know we don't suffer like people in some countries or even the homeless here in America. But we have no insurance, and when the kids get sick, we can't always take them to the doctor. They've never been to a dentist. And I'm tired of dressing them in hand-me-downs."
"My child, I will supply all of your needs. and your children's. I've given them healthy bodies. I will teach them that expensive clothing doesn't make a person valuable in My sight."
The He lifted out the figure of a small boy. "And this?" He asked.
"Andrew." I hung my head, ashamed to call my son a burden. "But, Lord,
he's hyperactive. He's not quiet like the other two. He
makes me so tired. He's always getting hurt, and someone is bound to
think I abuse him. I yell at him all the time. Someday I may
really hurt him."
"My child," He said, "if you trust Me, I will renew your strength; if you allow Me to fill you with My Spirit, I will give you patience."
Then He took some pebbles from my burden.
"Yes, Lord," I said with a sigh. "Those are small. But they're important. I hate my hair. It's thin, and I can't make it look nice. I can't afford to go to the beauty shop. I'm overweight and can't stay on a diet. I hate all my clothes. I hate the way I look!"
"My child, people look at your outward appearance, but I look at your heart. By My Spirit you can gain self-control to lose weight. But your beauty should not come from outward appearance. Instead, it should come from your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in My sight."
My burden now seemed lighter than before.
"I guess I can handle it now," I said.
"There is more," he said. "Hand me that last brick."
"Oh, You don't have to take that. I can handle it."
"My child, give it to Me." Again, His voice compelled me. He reached out His hand, and for the first time I saw the ugly wound.
"But, Lord, this brick is so awful, so nasty, so.. Lord! What happened to Your hands? They're so scarred!"
No longer focused on my burden, I looked for the first time into His face. In His brow were ragged scars, as though someone had pressed thorns into His flesh.
"Lord," I whispered, "what happened to You?"
His loving eyes reached into my soul.
"My child, you know. Hand Me the brick. It belongs to Me. I bought it."
"How?"
"With My blood."
"But why, Lord?"
"Because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Give it to Me."
I placed the filthy brick into His wounded palm. It contained all the dirt and evil of my life: my pride, my selfishness, the depression that constantly tormented me.
He turned to the cross and hurled my brick into the pool of blood at its base. It hardly made a ripple.
"Now, my child, you need to go back. I will be with you always. When you are troubled, call to Me and I will help you and show you things you cannot imagine now."
"Yes, Lord, I will call on You."
I reached to pick up my burden.
"You may leave that here if you wish. You see all these burdens? They are the ones that others have left at My feet. Joan's, Paula's, Debra's, Ruth's. When you leave your burden here, I carry it with you. Remember, my yoke is easy and My burden is light."
As I placed my burden with Him, the light began to fade. Yet I heard Him
whisper, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."
A peace flooded my soul.
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