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1. Månedens historieMånedens historie: "How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program." Dette skulle vekke traumatiske minner hos de fleste som har forsøkt å installere et større programsystem på sin PC i det siste!
   Bidraget ble videresendt til oss fra min bror, Svein, i London, og stammer egentlig fra Mary Cohen i Reston, Virginia utenfor Washington D.C., i U.S.A.

1. Story of the MonthStory of the Month: "How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program." This will probably stir up some traumatic memories with all those of you who have tried to install a large, advanced, modern computer program system on your PC, lately!
   This contribution was forwarded to us by my brother, Svein, in London, who received it from friends (Mary Cohen) in Reston, Virginia, near Washington D.C. in the U.S.A.

   Trond Ruud

   

How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
   box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run
   the software. It should look something like this:
   SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
   2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
   628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
   719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
   3546 MB RAM
   432323 MB ROM
   05948737 MB RPM
   ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
   2 TURTLE DOVES
   NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
   contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
   trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a
   3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
   envelope that says:
   
   LICENSING AGREEMENT:
   By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all
   the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever
   reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the
   Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
   and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the
   Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the
   right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard
   drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it,
   take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible,
   by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks
   you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

1. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of
   child), please install this on my computer."

2. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the
   appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

3. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

4. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

5. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
   which the following message should appear on your screen:
   The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
   what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK
   with you? Choose one, and be honest:
   
   +---------+ +-----------+
   | YES     | | SURE      |
   +---------+ +-----------+

6. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
   whirring for a very long time while the installation program does
   who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
   alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your
   computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such
   as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program
   will create many new directories, sub-directories,
   sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with
   thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe,"
   "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

7. When the installation program is finished, your screen should
   display the following message:
   
   CONGRATULATIONS
   The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to
   your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run
   your software.
   
   If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia,
   shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,
   you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

8. At this point your computer system should become less functional
   than the federal government, refusing to respond even when
   struck with furniture.

9. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on
   the package and wait on the line for a representative, who
   will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to
   adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
   
                                                             Mary Cohen, Reston, VA., U.S.A.