Humor Apr98
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Slaglistens Slagferdigheter(?)

Månedens gode historie(r)

NB! Hensikten med denne siden er ikke å være et "vitse-mesterskap"!
Bidragene kan også gjerne være av "alvorlige" karakter,
fiktive eller virkelige, med gode poenger eller nyttig informasjon for slagrammede, og deres pårørende!!!

Humørsiden

Tilbake til Slagsiden

Innhold:

  1. Månedens gode historie(Story of the month ) april 1998, er et "Freudiansk" bidrag fra Håvard Vold , en tidligere arbeidskollega av undertegnede, men som har flyttet til U.S.A og der driver et eget firma innen utvikling av software for støy-og-vibrasjonsanalyser (VOLD SOLUTIONS, INC.)

    Vi har ikke hatt særlig kontakt siden han og hans (amerikanske) kone reiste fra Norge tidlig  på 80-tallet, men da jeg gjorde en "people search" på  hans navn fra Yahoo for moro skyld  for en stund siden. fant jeg altså etter noen viderverdigheter tilslutt en e-post adresse som havnet hos riktig person, og jeg sendte en invitasjon om å bidra til våre, sporadisk lystige sider, da jeg husket at han pleide å ha endel poengterte og muntre observasjoner.

  2. Quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians Ytterligere et festelig bidrag fra Gloria Kamenske på den amerikanske Slagdiskusjonslisten STROKE-L, som også har sendt oss det neste bidraget::

  3. Mislykkede Profetier (Prophecies revisited) fra Gloria Kamenske viser om intet annet, at profetier av ymse slag, nokbør behandles varsomt!

    26/4/98 Trond

Vennligst send dine muntre bidrag og forslag merket "Humørsidenørsiden" til troruud@tiscali.no

Månedens gode historie/Story of the Month

An old cowboy dressed to kill-with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs,and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He
replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences; I guess I am." After a short while he
asked her what she was. She replied, "I am a lesbian.  I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of
women.  When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think
of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He
replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."
Håvard Vold            

 

 

Quotes taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...                                             
bullet

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

bullet
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.             
bullet
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.             
bullet
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.                                                         
bullet
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.             
bullet
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.             
bullet
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they
should fall to the floor. The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.                                                         
bullet
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.             
bullet
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank
to dispose of him.                                                         
bullet
 Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.                                                         
bullet
 The patient refused an autopsy.             
bullet
 The patient has no past history of suicides.             
bullet
 The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.             
bullet
 Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.             
bullet
 The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.             
bullet
 She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December                      
bullet
 The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with
 a picture of acute pulmonary edema at
home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.                                                         
bullet
 The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.             
bullet
 Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.              
bullet
 The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
 out of gas and crashed.                                                         
bullet
 Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like
 to work her up.                                                         
bullet
 She is numb from her toes down.             
bullet
 While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.             
bullet
 The skin was moist and dry.             
bullet
 Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.             
bullet
 Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.             
bullet
 Patient was alert and unresponsive.             
bullet
 When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.             

 

Mislykkede Profetier (Prophecies revisited)                                       

bullet
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
  --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949             
bullet
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.' 
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943             
bullet
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957             
bullet
  "But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,  1968,
commenting on the microchip.             
bullet
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp.,1977                                                              
bullet
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication.The device is inherently of no value to
us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876. 
                                                                
bullet
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
in the radio in the 1920s.
                                                                
bullet
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to
found Federal Express Corp.) 
                                                                
bullet
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" 
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
                                                                
bullet
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper."
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in  "Gone With The Wind."
                                                                
bullet
"A cookie store is a bad idea.Besides, the market research  reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like  you
make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'  Cookies.
                                                                
bullet
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.' 
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
                                                                
bullet
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." 
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
                                                                
bullet
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M
Post-It" Notepads.
                                                                
bullet
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you.We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went
to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you.You
haven't got through college yet."'
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and
HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.             
bullet
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
rocket work.                                                              
bullet
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles?It can't be done.It's just a fact of life.  You just
have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.

  "Drill for oil?You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859.                                                              
bullet
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." 
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.             
bullet
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." 
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.                                                              
bullet
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.             
bullet
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872             
bullet
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.             
bullet
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." 
--Bill Gates, 1981                                        

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